


I tend to make it about me

by jakia



Series: Caleb and Essik [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, M/M, more gen than shippy, more introspective than conversation-filled, sorry caleb wanted to interrogate himself first
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-03-05 22:05:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18837691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jakia/pseuds/jakia
Summary: After catching Caleb and Essik kissing, the Mighty Nein have questions. Caleb...doesn't really have answers. [Shadowgast, sequel to "I never leave well enough alone" but can probably be read alone]





	I tend to make it about me

**Author's Note:**

> What's this? A series? What the fuck, man. I never do this. I guess I like this ship a lot, lol.

 

It was bound to happen at some point. He knew it was going to happen, ever since he kissed Essik, and Jester and Beau came screaming into the room, interrupting them, he _knew_ this conversation was bound to happen.

 

He had just hoped his makeshift family would give him a moment to collect his thoughts before the interrogation begun. An hour to himself. Thirty minutes. Honestly, at this point, he would have gladly taken literally any time longer than it took for Essik’s shadowed form to leave the entrance to their home.

 

But as Essik turned the corner and left, Nott and Yeza turned it, too, and walked up to the porch where Caleb was still standing. There was a little bit of snow falling on the ground. The goblin/halfling pair smiled at him warmly, their arms full of grocery sacks. “He seemed like he was off in a hurry,” Yeza noted, a bit of snow stuck to his glasses.

 

“A little bit,” Caleb agreed, rushing forward to help carry things, taking one sack from Nott and another from Yeza. (Ah, not groceries--alchemic supplies--although some of it still looked edible.) “He was late for a meeting with the Bright Queen,”

 

“Ah,” Nott nodded. “Got distracted studying magic and lost track of time?”

 

“More like got distracted by Caleb’s dick,” Beau announced herself from behind Caleb, waltzing out of the front porch. Caduceus must have put her down at some point. The traitor.

 

Nott dropped her bag of supplies, causing a small purple fire to erupt in their yard. _“What?”_

 

“Your boy-toy’s gone, right?” Beau continued to ask Caleb, even as Yeza panicked to stop the fire. ( _“Boy-toy???”_ Nott cowed). “Family meeting time, then.”

 

Caleb was certain his face was as red as his hair. He ran his hand down his face to cover it anyway. “Beauregard. Tactful as ever,” He grimaced. “Can’t it wait until later? After dinner, perhaps?”

 

“Absolutely not,” the monk shook her head. “Should’ve talked about it sooner, but I didn’t realize you two were involved.”

 

“ _Involved???”_ Nott howled, and Yeza yelped backwards, trying to shield the bag of supplies with his body. “Caleb, he’s a spy!  From the Bright Queen!”

 

 _“I know,_ Nott,”

 

“He could be trying to kill you! And you’re gonna _sleep with him???”_ Nott yelled. “Did we learn _nothing_ from the Avantika fiasco?”

 

Yeza looked confused. “Who's Avantika?”

 

“Oh yeah, Fjord has thoughts about that,” Beau pointed back at the house with her thumb. “Part of the reason for the family meeting. He’s worried about security,” she did give Caleb a sheepish look though, as if she finally realized she might have overreacted to the wrong thing.

 

“He could be _using you!”_

 

“Using me for what, Nott?” Caleb sighed, feeling a migraine come on. “For my impressive collection of outdated Empire secrets? For my magical talents, of which he vastly outclasses me?”

 

Nott’s face was a darker green. “You underestimate your talents! You are a smart, resourceful, intelligent young man--”

 

“I am thirty years old,” He interrupted her. “Hardly a young man. I know my worth, and I know what I’m not,” He frowned at her, head pounding against his skull. “Is it really so unbelievable that a man like Essik might actually like me?”

 

“That’s not what I’m saying _at all!”_ Nott hollered. "Of course Essik should like you!  _Everyone_ should like you! But he's absolutely loyal to the Bright Queen, and--"

 

“I’m going to put these away before we start another fire,” Yeza interrupted, his voice more solid and grounded than Caleb had heard it before. Normally, the halfling was a bit squeaky and quiet, but right now he sounded, well, leader-ish. “Caleb, be a dear and carry the rest of them with me,”

 

Nott and Beau _immediately_ began talking over one another: “But we aren’t finished--” “Family meeting, right now, Fjord said--”

 

“--We’re gonna put the supplies away in the lab, and then we’re gonna go have a family meeting,” Yeza interrupted. “Some of these supplies are dangerous,” he gestured to where the smoke was finally starting to go out beside Nott, “It will only take a minute. I think everyone can wait that long, at least.”

 

Nott looked at ground, sheepish. “I can help put things away--”

 

“Might be better if you didn’t, though,”

 

Yeza gave her a look, and Nott gave him a look back, and as far as Caleb could tell they were having an entire nonverbal conversation for the two minutes they stood there, until, eventually, Yeza grinned. “It’ll be fine. Caleb can help me.”

 

“...Alright,” Nott requested, giving a sheepish look to Caleb, and then to Yeza, “I’ll head to the War Room with the others.”

 

Beau pointed two fingers at her own eyes, then pointed them back at Caleb. “Five minutes. Then I’m dragging you.”

 

The girls left then, leaving Yeza and Caleb alone, holding three sacks of alchemical supplies between them.

 

“...Thank you, Yeza,” Caleb offered sheepishly, as they carried the supplies back to the library/lab. The chair was still broken on the floor, and Caleb felt himself color at the thought of what broke the chair, less than an hour ago.

 

“Veth means well, but she can be a bit overprotective.” Yeza admitted, setting the supplies on the alchemical lab in the back. “I’m certain the others are probably very similar in that regard.”mCaleb started pulling ingredients out of bags to put away when Yeza shoved him. “None of that. You’ve only got five minutes to yourself to figure out what you want to say,” He pushed Caleb gently in the direction of Caleb’s bedroom. “I can put this stuff away. You go get your head on straight.”

 

It was in that moment that Yeza became Caleb’s favorite member of the Mighty Nein, whether he was officially a member or not.

 

* * *

 

 

Caleb _flomped_ onto his bed, snapped his fingers to summon Frumpkin, and buried his head into his pillow. His ginger cat purred, rubbing against Caleb’s stomach before curling into a ball next to him. Instinctively, Caleb began petting him.

 

What to say, what to say? Caleb didn’t even know where to begin. _Calm down,_ he told himself, taking deep breaths, and trying to calm the racing panic in his chest. It was always easier for him to picture himself as the interrogator instead of the interrogatee. _Think about this rationally--what would you want to say if Jester were the one kissing Essik instead?_

 

The thought of Jester and Essik _kissing_ made Caleb’s stomach roll, the familiar sting of jealousy rearing its ugly head, even in a hypothetical situation.

 

 _Well, first I would want to know if they were serious._ Caleb rationed, his stomach in knots.

 

_Well, are you and Essik serious?_

 

He didn’t know. He didn’t know _what_ Essik’s intentions were. Did the drow spymaster want a relationship with Caleb? Did he want he just want a quick fuck and then that would be the end of it? Did he want a friends-with-benefits relationship? Did he--god forbid--did he wish to _court_ Caleb?

 

Caleb didn’t know the answer. They hadn’t gotten a chance to talk about it before Essik had to leave.

 

 _Well, what do_ **_you_ ** _want your relationship to be, then?_

 

...Caleb didn’t know the answer to that one, either.

 

He tried to imagine, for a moment, what it would be like if he and Essik just fucked. And it was a good image: hard, rough, fast. Satisfying. Over too quickly, but a release of the tension that had been building since he met the man. He would--he would like that.

 

But then he imagined _being_ with Essik. Holding his hand. Reading together, quietly. Trading soft kisses and quiet conversation. Long walks in moonlight. Discussing magical theory while playing footsies over dinner. Drinking wine and having loud, playful arguments over magical application and spellwork.

 

The second was...infinitely preferable.

 

 _I think I want whatever Essik wants_ , he answered himself, honestly and truthfully. _But I would prefer a relationship, I think._

 

Gods, he was so fucked.

 

_And the extent of your feelings?_

 

A crush. That was an easy one to answer. He had a crush, and it was a crush that, perhaps, with time and affection, may blossom into something more meaningful. But right now it was just a crush: a rush of affection for a handsome man for whom he was attracted to.

 

_And if you had to choose between him and the Nein?_

 

He’d choose the Nein, every time. He’d had his heart broken before, and he had gotten over it then. He could get over it again. But what he had with the Nein was something special, something unique. He wouldn’t trade it for the world.

 

After that, it seemed only a matter to figure out what questions specific members of the Nein would ask him.

 

Jester would be concerned about kissing, ( _“Do you like kissing him, Caleb? Is he nice? Is he a good kisser?”)_ Yes, he did like kissing him. Yes, he is very nice. Yes, he is a good kisser.

 

Caduceus--Caduceus would be concerned with matters of the heart ( _“Has he treated you well?”)_.  So far, the answer was yes.

 

Yasha would be protective ( _“If he hurts you, I can break him.”)_ or maybe soft _(“Does he like flowers?”)_ He didn’t know if Essik like flowers, but it was a thought worth pursuing.

 

Beau--Beau was a toss up; she could go a lot of different ways _(“What’s his dick like?”_ to _“If you tell me_ **_literally anything_ ** _about him I’ll punch you.”)_ Which, okay, he could deal with.

 

Nott would fret, maybe, or worse, become over-invested. ( _“Does he intend to marry you?”)_ Which...Nott, _please_ , please don’t say or do anything, he prayed quickly.

 

Really, it was Fjord’s questions that worried Caleb the most. (“ _What if Essik is evil, and he’s planning on using you, like Avantika?”)_

 

He didn’t get a chance to answer; his thoughts were interrupted by a soft knock at his door. “Sorry Caleb,” he heard Yeza’s familiar squeak. “It’s time.”

 

“It’s alright,” he stood up, stretched, and petted Frumpkin one last time. He grabbed his dark coat off of his desk and put it on.

 

It was showtime.  


**Author's Note:**

> There will be a chapter two, and it will involve Essik's perspective.


End file.
